Glossary of Horse Terms Auction - a popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset. Azorturia (Monday Morning Disease) - a condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work or school. Barn Sour - an affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly. Bog Spavin - the feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles. Colic - the gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows. Colt - what your mare always gives you when you want a filly. Contracted foot - the involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot. Endurance ride - the end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods. Equitation - the ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way arounda show ring. Feed - expensive. substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure. Fences - decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding). Flies - the excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished. Founder - the discovery of your loose mare some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like "Hey, honey, I found'er." Gallop- the customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn. Gates - wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses. Green Broke - the colour of the face of the person who has just got the training bill from the Big Name Trainer... Grooming - the fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body. Hay - a green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places. Heaves - the act of unloading a truck full of hay. Hobbles - describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse. Hock - the financial condition that a horse owner goes into. Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing. Jumping - the characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed. Lameness - the condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders. Lungeing - a training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles -rendering the owner dizzy and lightheaded so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing. Manure spreader - horse traders Overreaching - a descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season. Pinto - a colourful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes. Proud flesh - the external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion (and some geldings) when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes. Quarter cracks - the comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horse... Quittor - a term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns. Race - what your heart does when you see the vet bill. Reins - break-away leather device used to tie horses with. Sacking out - a condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labour and foals. Saddle - an expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats. Saddle sore - the way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show. Sleeping sickness - a disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks. Splint - an apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger. Stall - what your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town. Twisted gut - the feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show. Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon. Weaving - the movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it. Whip marks - the tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go. (Also caused by a wet or dry horse tail across the face while cleaning hooves.) Windpuffs - stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen. Withers - the reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback. Yearling - the age at which all horses completely forget the things, you taught them previously. Youngstock - a general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you ou the ground, Zoo - the typical atmosphere around most horse farms.		Lester and the Mule Lester moved to the country and and bought a mule from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died." "Well then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "Okay then, just unload the mule." "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Lester and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $998." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." The Donkey Story One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off. Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred 2. Free your mind from worries 3. Live simply 4. G ive more 5. Expect less P.S. The donkey later came back and kicked the ### out of the farmer that tried burying him. Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.